I love to look through photo albums of old pictures…the rich memories tucked into a candid snapshot in time. 
Looking into their eyes I can see things now that I certainly didn’t see
all those years ago.
We went to the same small high school in rural Iowa. He was a junior and I was a sophomore… boy was he tall, dark, and handsome.  Oh to be young and in love…I wasn’t
sure what true love looked like but was certain I had found it. Our relationship wasn’t perfect…there were things I questioned but was willing to overlook them because I was so infatuated with him. And then just a few months into our relationship…I’m pregnant.

He eagerly vowed to love, honor and cherish me and I believed
him. It wasn’t long before the new wore off and our relationship drastically changed. Here we were two inexperienced teens now married, living in our own home, making grown-up decisions and were expecting a baby.  Yes, life was stressful but is stress an excuse for abuse/violence? 

I believed him when he said he really didn’t mean to call me fat…a loser who had no friends…a bad mom.  Don’t all couples have arguments and say things they don’t really mean? I believed him when he apologized for pushing me into the wall and backing me up against the lit kitchen stovetop. He promised it would never happen again.  I minimized it by thinking that I too do things I regret when I’m mad. The physical intimacy we once had was now very controlled and forced to meet his
needs. I felt like he had more control over my life than I did.  And
even though his words never quite matched his actions, I believed he loved me.

I knew our relationship wasn’t right but I wasn’t sure what to do or who to tell…I was afraid they wouldn’t believe me or would blame me.  I already felt like I was a failure and a disappointment …so I worked really hard to make it appear that everything was normal at our house….for 10 years.  I put on my mask to hide the shame and pain I felt.  It got harder to hide…several times I took our 4 girls and left.  We would stay with my parents for a few days…until the hurt and anger lessened…then we’d return home hoping things would be better and it would be…for a little while. 

I stayed because it seemed hopeless.  I had never worked outside the home...had no college degree...how could I afford all the expenses of raising 4 children by myself…it seemed impossible.  

Through counseling and developing a deeper relationship with Jesus I started to take control back of my own life.  I began to see my true value and worth.  I was willing to live with less in order to live with less chaos & fear.  I’ll never forget the day he moved out. 

Whoever made up the saying
       ”Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”
was obviously not a victim of violence…

It’s been a long time and my physical scars have healed but I still struggle with the tapes of old messages that play in my mind…negative, hurtful messages.  I still work hard…but not to hide the past but to help others learn from my life. 

I’m 51 now and married to a man who vowed to love, honor & cherish me and I believe him because of the way he treats me with dignity, respect and loves me just the way I am...



                                                           I AM A SURVIVOR!!!

As I recently got out of my car I quickly felt the sting of the cold, damp air & immediately thought, " It's colder out than I realized."  As I slipped my keys into my coat pocket it came as no surprise to find several treasures left behind since I had last worn the coat.Those treasures included a crumpled up grocery reciept, a pack of gum, a quarter, dime and penny and a pair of black gloves. 

As I continued walking towards the doctor's office ,I slipped my right hand into the first glove..aww that's better..." but there's a hole in the end of one of the fingers. Guess I'll need some new gloves this year. " I reached in my other pocket and got out the second glove .  Slipping it on my left hand I noticed a hole in the end of one of the fingers too..".boy, these are sure in bad shape." .

As I sat in the waiting room, I thought about the irony of BOTH gloves having holes on the end of the "pointer" finger. 

I tried to rationalize why that might be but couldn't really come up with a logical explanation. My analytical mind kept thinking as I waited....

The index finger is often referred to as the pointer finger because that is what it is often used for...to point out specifics, "Look at the beautiful leaves on that tree!" or to give directions, " Could you please put that box over there for me ?"...to help children follow along when they are reading so they don't lose their place. And pointer fingers are extremely useful in helping  pick things up and turn things on...and the list goes on & on.

BUT....what about the times I've used my pointer finger to point out someone in the crowd as I whispered," That's her/him..."  OR all the times I've pointed out my husband's mistakes & shortcomings in anger.

We've all heard the saying that when you point at someone you have 3 fingers pointing back at yourself.  I think there's a powerful message to be found there...

Jesus speaks very clearly in Matthew 7 about pointing fingers of judgement at others. 

In Matthew 7:1-4 we read, " Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, Let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  "

What a great reminder...so often I find it easy to magnify the faults of others while excusing my own.  I don't want to be judged by others so I need to be conscious of not judging them... I need to acknowledge my own flaws instead of being quick to point out someone else's. When I'm quick to judge I need to remember those 3 fingers that are pointing back at me!!

I know the holes in my gloves are not there because I was pointing at others and whispering judgements but I do believe that God teaches us important lessons in the everyday ordinary aspects of our life..."holy" gloves in the doctor's office waiting room.

She was my very first playmate.  We'd play house and school for hours.  I'm sure we did plenty of arguing too but that's not what comes to mind when I think of my sister, Renee.  
When I think of Renee, I think of her great sense of humor ...she loves to laugh and is not afraid to laugh at herself.  Her intelligence...she was an honor student and academically a high achiever.  She has a personality that draws others to her...Homecoming Queen 1981.

Renee loves bike riding, hiking, and visiting National Parks...a lover of health, wellness & the great outdoors.  She enjoys a good cup of coffee, while listening to a Barry Manilow CD or watching her tennis favorites play at Wimbledon.

She is a positive influence and encourager, which is no surprise that when the oncologist told her ,only two weeks after her 40th birthday, that she had Stage 1 breast cancer her response was not of fear but "What do we need to do next?".  She bravely faced surgery and 4 rounds of chemo treatments.  I can't imagine how difficult that must have been as I live over 1000 miles away from her and didn't actually see her as she endured the treatments.  I have regrets that I wasn't physically there for her during that time...we communicated through phone conversations but like the selfless woman she is, Renee never complained or requested sympathy.  She was always upbeat and concerned about what was going on in my life.  Even when her strength was at its lowest she gave all she had...she never gave up living.  

She was recently back to visit us here in Iowa/Nebraska.  It's always great to have her back home if even for just a bit.  Together our big family got to help her celebrate 50 years of life and 10 years of cancer free living!!!  Continue to show us how to Live Strong each and every day, Renee.  Your life is a blessing to us all!
  

Breast cancer can affect both women and men.  There was no family history of breast cancer in our family prior to Renee that we are aware of.  She was only 40 yrs old when diagnosed.  Know the warning signs & get a routine mammogram.  Early detection saves lives!

October is nationally recognized as Fire Prevention Awareness Month, Breast Cancer Awareness Month and Domestic Violence Awareness Month (along with many other good causes) but these three have specifically touched my life.  Come step into my everyday ordinary life…..



It’s funny how certain dates stick in my mind…not needing to be written on the calendar in order to not be forgotten…not needing programmed into my phone to be sent as a gentle reminder…they're there as a permanent memory.  October 14, 1974 started out as an ordinary day for my family…it ended anything BUT ordinary.  My four siblings and I went to school as usual.  My dad headed to the field...it was harvest season.  My mom and baby sister came to school to eat hot lunch with us. 

We left school that day on Lyle Mock’s bus headed west of town just like it did every day.  The closer the bus got to our house the more obvious it was that the black cloud of smoke hovering over our farm was coming from the house.  I can still see the flames shooting through the roof of my sisters’ bedroom 39 years later.  Exiting the bus I remember standing in disbelief watching as everything we owned was snatched up by a relentless thief.  The local volunteer firemen were unable to control the fire and we lost everything…well as a 12 year old girl it seemed like everything but we still had the most important things we needed…each other.  No one in our family of 8 was harmed by the fire and that was the greatest blessing.

October 14, 1974 can also be remembered as a day of starting over…rebuilding.  It’s in times like this that you see how compassionate people are.  Friends, neighbors and relatives offered everything we needed including a place to live.  Although the 2 bedroom mobile home seemed small for our large family, it did provide all we needed and we were grateful.  Amazingly, you discover how little it really does take to live when you are forced to downsize …that there are so many things you can live without. Three short months later we moved into the new home that had been built in the very spot the old house had stood…literally building “beauty from ashes”.

**Now would be a great time to check to see if your fire alarms are working properly & put in a new battery.  Also, think about doing something kind for your local fire department to show your appreciation for their service.